Is Acceptance Giving Up?

Hello. It’s me. Your friendly neighborhood schizo.

I don’t remember where we left off last time. Probably somewhere in between pharmaville and drainbramage city.

I am tired of the med bouncing. My therapist helped me realize something that I should have realized long ago. I am always going to be bipolar. Even with medication it’s not fully controlled and that may have to be my “normal”.

You add the years of compounded trauma and abuse to an already empathic and emotional child, throw in all the bad genetics, stir and voila, you get a Me.

Does that answer any of your questions as to why I am the way I am?

I fucking hope so because I’m tired of being asked.

Why aren’t you better yet? Why are you this way? Will you always be this way?

“I want a normal girlfriend. I’m taking the dog.”

Chris

And honestly I feel like a really horrible person for being the way I am.

Something very similar was said to me recently from a source I did not expect.

So now I’m left wondering…. is it really all me. Has it always been me?

How do I stop being me?

Don’t get it twisted. This is not a pity party. This is a is this seriously the way it’s always going to be?

If I accept it will that make it any easier?

Or perhaps acceptance is in a way, giving up.

I’m a fighter, right?!

That’s what I do. I fight and I fight because I don’t want to lose my mind or life, but I get tired of fighting.

What happens when I stop fighting and just accept my life will never be what I had hoped it would be and just not hate myself so gosh darn much?

How is it others can love me but I can’t love myself?

Why do I not believe that people mean it when they say they love me?

See there I go again. Questions that run in circles.

I can logically and somewhat intelligently tell you why but I’ll still get asked why.

Acceptance.

Why? Because that’s how it is.

No matter how much I talk about the past it doesn’t make it compartmentalize into the past slot. My brain lives past, present, future all live at the same time and when my self destructive imagination gets its hands in there…. there I go explaining again.

I’m tired of having to apologize for being me so from now on, fuck it.

I am this way because it’s the way I am.