Uncontrollable Chaos

Hello again,
It’s me, your friendly neighborhood crazy lady.
I’m sitting here, drinking a pot of coffee, trying to come out of a 12 hour seroquel slumber, and wondering how I am going to combine two topics into one in a way that makes sense.
Perhaps it’s time for another pot of coffee?

Let me start by saying the title Uncontrollable Chaos has two meanings.
For starters Chaos is my dogs name. She is a hot mess with a plethora of emotional insecurities, much like her “mother”. I think that’s why we are so close.
We actually do this Vulcan mind meld thing where we put our foreheads together and read each other’s minds.
Yes, I am super serious about that.
Call me cray cray all you want, lord knows I do, but in this instance I am not.
It has been witnessed by others, and they are just as surprised as I once was.

The second meaning of the title refers to my brain, or rather my thoughts, which at times try to drive me even more insane than I already am.
I sometimes get into a loop of anxiety and PTSD.
Yesterday was that day.
I woke up from a night terror that was linked to a very traumatic event in my life and thus my day started with PTSD.
Chaos, my dog, who is also my emotional support animal, knew something was wrong.
She got out of her very comfy bed and came over to me.
I petted her for a little bit then went to make coffee.
I moved from my “nest”, yeah I make a nest in my bed, and moved into the living room for a change of scenery.
Chaos (duel meaning again), followed.

Once in the living room, I proceeded onto my morning ritual of online window shopping. I do this every morning. I am quasi obsessed with redecorating my home. I’m always comparing prices, colors, quality, and of course free shipping.

So, I’m sitting there, minding my own business, deep in contemplated decorating thought, when I hear a bark. I am snatched ( ha ha, snatch) from my dream world and back into reality. The Chaos wants something.

Let me preface this next part with an explanation. Chaos has her own barks and behaviors when she wants something. Each bark is different, however it is always demanding.

I tell her I am busy at the moment and to call back later. She does not agree with that statement. She soon walks over to me and barks again. This time with more fervor. I politely ask her what in the ever living hell she wants. She walks over to the door and barks again. Ah ha. She has to make the peeps and the poops. Did I mention it was 3am? No? Well it was.

I grab her leash, hook it to her collar, pick up the flashlight (since again it is 3am and dark as a mother) and take her out into the wilderness of my back yard. As soon as we step outside I am met with a watery downpour of rain. This is a total FML moment.

Chaos takes her time sniffing each spot carefully as if looking for gold. My response to this is, “Bitch, hurry up!”.

Ok, ok, I know calling her a bitch seems mean but in all fairness a bitch is actually what a female dog is called. So, yes. It is a double entendre.

She finally finds the perfect spot and makes her peeps. Meanwhile I am feeling the full affects of Mother Nature. I ask her rather politely if she is done, to which she looks at me and keeps walking.

At this point my hair is sticking to my face, my flip flopped feet are soaked, and my jammers are drenched. Total chaos!

She drags me over to the neighbors yard. I vehemently whisper, “No!” And tug on her leash. She gives no shits. Well, actually she gives a HUGE shit right on the neighbors yard. I hurriedly turn the poop bag inside out and pick up her plopies, as if someone would see her location miscalculation at 3am, and we both make a run towards the outdoor trash cans. Mission accomplished.

We head back inside and I figure since I’m already wet I may as well take a shower. Easy Peasy Eggs and Cheesy, right? Nope. While in the shower I begin to have flashbacks of some of the absolutely horrendous events which have happened in my life. I soon find myself sitting on the shower floor rocking and crying.

All of a sudden I am aware of a presence. It is Chaos. She pokes her nose under the shower curtain and lets out a sigh. I pet her nose and begin to come out of my emotional trance. Chaos has stopped the chaos.

I dry myself off, half assed-ly, and make my way to the bed to begin my next routine of air drying.

I’m laying there naked, with the fans blowing my bits and things dry, when I hear a bark.

I ignore it.

Chaos comes over to the side of the bed, looks me in the eyes, and barks again.

Keep in mind I am still naked and not in any sort of condition mentally or physically to address her demands.

I stare back at her and say, “Give me a minute!” She once again barks.

This time she called me bitch.

I am not proud of this next part, and it happens more than I would like to admit, but we got into a verbal altercation.

Bark!

“Stop it, I’m naked!”, I yell.

Bark!

“Just let me”….

Bark! Bark! Bark!

“Son of a bitch, I’m getting up you whore!”, I exclaimed.

I get up and she looks up at me, rather pleased with herself, and runs over to her food bowl. It is yum yum time.

I proceeded to the bin of very pricey yum yums and fill a scoop full. I begrudgingly dump it in her food bowl. She sniffs it and walks away.

So, I am standing there naked, just had an argument filled with name calling, and she has no interest in eating the delicious meal I have just prepared.

No, really. It’s fine. Yup, fine.

I go back into the bedroom and try to figure out what I am going to wear for the day. My clothes are very fashion forward. My body is not.

After about 20 minutes of playing the, Does This Fit game, I decided on a hot pink, stretchy, mini skirt.

I pulled the skirt up over my thighs. It stretched effortlessly. Next came the hard part; getting it over my ass.

I give it a good tug and heard a pop. I was soon after met with extreme pain in my neck.

A side note for those of you who have not read any of my other posts; I have severe back and neck problems due to a car accident I was in a few years ago.

I tried to move my neck and was once again met with excruciating pain.

I knew what that meant. It means a trip to the ER for a CT scan of my neck to make sure I didn’t rupture an already bulging disc.

Another FML moment in the same day. This day is not going as I had hoped.

So, blah, blah, blah, emergency room. Blah, blah, blah, dick head doctor with an attitude. Blah, blah, blah, CT scan, and blah blah, blah, pulled muscle.

I head back home to take a muscle relaxer and rest. I walked through the front door and sitting there was Chaos. She greeted me with a tap dance that outshined Fred Astaire, and walked over to the kitchen. She Barked.

I grumbled under my breath and asked, “What this time?”.

Chaos took a seated position in the center of the kitchen. This could only mean one thing. She wanted a treat.

I walked over to her food bowl. It was still full.

“No”, I said and started to walk towards the bedroom to take a muscle relaxer and rest. Chaos was hot on my heels.

She watched me take my medication and just as I was about to climb into bed, she barked.

I don’t know what I was thinking but I tried to reason with Chaos who was adding to the chaos.

“No! No treat until you finish your breakfast!”

Bark!

“Chaos, please! Mommy is very ouchie and”….

Bark!

“Chaaaaoooos?!”, I asked/warned, as if to say, Do you really want to have this discussion?

What happened next was supposed to be a show of dominance on my part but ended up in a game.

I playfully and gently, and I can’t stress that part enough, playfully and gently took my hand a said, “Bop”, as I playfully and gently smacked her across the mouth.

She barked and took a play position as I bopped her across the other side of her mouth.

We began to play, Bop and Bark.

I excitedly exclaimed, “Bop, bop, bop”, as she excited exclaimed, “Bark, bark, bark.”

I had almost forgotten about the pain in my neck, or the muscle relaxers were working their magic, because I found myself laughing at the absurdity of the days chaos.

Chaos was pleased that I was laughing and saw the opportunity of my good mood. She ran to the center of the kitchen and sat once more. I happily made my way to the kitchen( the muscle relaxers were definitely working) and got her her most favorite treat; The All-Mighty Greenie. It was devoured in 10 seconds flat.

I took her outside once more, since by this time it was close to 6pm, and I knew she must have to make with the peeps again.

This time she pulled me to the neighbor behind me’s yard and Before I could redirect her, she squatted and released a title wave of urine.

I looked around to see if anyone noticed, partially out of paranoia and partially because I felt eyes on me.

Standing there on her porch was the lady who’s yard Chaos took the 3am dump in. I looked at her. She looked at me. We began to have a crazy lady stare-off. I am medicated. She is not. Thusly her crazy is far more unpredictable. I decided to speak first.

“Hi”, I said. Then followed it up with a friendly, “How ya doing?”

That woman looked at me as if I had just done the most sinful act imaginable and said,

“That’s not your yard.”

I replied,”I know. I’m sorry. It’s just”…..

She waved her hand as if to shew me away and replied, “I don’t care. Not my yard.” Then walked back inside.

I giggled and thought, Not your yard THIS time.

Me and my Chaos went back inside.

We both got into our own beds. Mine being old and hers being new, and began to drift into dream land.

My last thought before falling asleep was how much I love Chaos, and even though that bitch still hadn’t finished her breakfast, she was the bestest friend I could have ever been blessed with.