I’m going to open this line of one sided conversation with the statement This Sucks! As you all may remember I have been, shall we say, experimenting in various weight loss options. I had learned my lesson with the self administered injections. That was a one “shot” deal. So I suppose the next logical step would have been to look up what possible side effects the diet pills, also known as phendimetrazine, could cause.
Maybe part of me didn’t want to know. Actually, to be totally and completely honest, I didn’t want to know. My main concern was weight loss and I wanted to believe that there would be no ill affect from taking the medication. Little did I know how drastically my personality would change over the course of three months.
At the beginning of this whole fiasco I was super happy, full of energy, and highly productive. I was accomplishing more than ever before and with that came a sense of pride. Dare I quote that…
Pride comes before the fall.
Bible stuff
About two months in I started to become more irritable. I’m kinda feisty to begin with so I just attributed it to people sucking more than usual, but the intensity of irritation grew as days passed.
I was pissed while driving, pissed while waiting to pick up groceries, and pissed at myself for being so pissed. I started getting shorter with loved ones and found myself yelling and cursing at every little thing that wouldn’t cooperate. The coffee machine got a good scolding a few times.
As far as inanimate objects go, my phone received the worst of it. The mirror that it broke was just an innocent bystander.
So, there I sat with a shattered phone and broken mirror.
My amazing boyfriend, who by the way is now my fiancé, replaced the phone that I had destroyed with a new one. He also replaced the mirror with an even bigger better mirror. I definitely did not feel that I deserved any of those things. I felt guilt and shame for my actions.
He was still on the road and I had not seen him for almost five weeks. As the time for him to return home drew near, I found myself getting paranoid and anxious.
Did he love me? How could he love me? He must have cheated on me! And so began my downward spiral of self hatred, mistrust, and obsessive thinking.
When he got home last week, I was not the same person he left.
I was obsessed with the thought that he had cheated on me. I was convinced he had. Everything was suspicious in my mind. I fought with him over letting me see his phone. I wanted to know who she was and how he could do that to me.
At first he wouldn’t let me see it. I guess out of principal. I had outright accused him of cheating and his stubbornness and pride were activated in self defense.
This only fueled the fire.
I was out of my mind with rage! Rage over an obsessive thought that I was convinced was true.
I jumped off the bed and began to slap him, calling him every name in the book. At that moment all I could feel was pure hate. I collapsed sobbing. He came over and hugged me and gave me his phone to look through.
That did nothing to subside my fears. I was convinced he had erased the messages. Nothing he said or did mattered. I was quite literally out of my mind.
I told him to leave. He left the room but not the house.
I needed to calm down. I could barely breath, so I smoked the devils lettuce.
After about 10 minutes I was feeling pretty chill headed. I decided to look up the diet pill. First thing to pop up in my search was Phen Rage.
Apparently this side affect was so common they named it. I read further and it stated that phendimetrazine should be taken no longer than 2 weeks. I was on the third month and I was at the highest dose possible. I knew I had to get off this stuff.
I started titration, since stopping cold turkey was advised against. I found myself on a tilt-a-whirl of emotions.
I was happy, sad, and angry all at the same time. My boyfriend stuck by my side while I detoxed. On the fourth day he said, “Let’s go get your finger sized”.
He had been talking about getting me a ring for months. I went along to humor him. I did not expect that once we got there the most perfect engagement ring would be waiting for us. Once we saw it we both looked at each other in amazement. It was exactly the ring we had both envisioned!
Despite all my craziness, name calling, and irrational behavior, he proposed to me.
I still don’t understand why he loves me, but I know I love him with all my heart and I can’t wait to be his wife!
To top it all off he is hanging up his over the road days and starting a local job in January. That means he will be home every day and have days off as well.
I am almost completely off the evil phen and besides the occasional vomiting, I am returning to my “normal” self.
Please, please, please, learn from my mistake.
Don’t ever let any doctor make you feel less than to the point of self abuse.
I went through all of this and my pants still don’t fit, but I’m ok with that because it means I get to buy new pants.
I’m still learning self love. It’s a long road to recovery when most of your life you have been told how worthless you are.
The conclusion I have come to is FUCK the haters and negataters!
Rock them curves!
Just A Girl In A Whirl 